Quick update

I have been too busy to update this as constantly as I would like to. No more new work, at least not finished, anyway.

Past few weeks: Art fair, Ravenswood Art Walk. Fun, informative, also rainy.

I spent a long-desired day with the Geinosky tribe, saw Zombieland, which was the best movie I’ve seen in the theatres since Sweeny Todd two years ago. Documented Michelle’s disgusting room. The only place in Warrenville I don’t feel like shooting myself in is the Geinosky house, when everyone’s there. It reminds me of how I’d practically live there in the old days. There’s never a dull moment in there.

Lately: Although I normally love this kind of weather, the effects it has on any human being unfortunately apply to me as well. The lack of sunlight and chill climate causes a depression, and with all the other things weighing on me, sometimes the effects can be a little more severe than desirable. Ironic, because sunlight is one of my worst enemies.

Swine flu has made a comeback. According to Angelina, many schools in Minnesota have been closed down. Everyone I’ve spoken to lately is sick. Myself included.

I had a dream about the post-apocalypse, and Michelle’s disaster area room was a shelter for many who found themselves homeless in the aftermath. It looked like someone took a leaf-blower to the city more than anything. And stepped on all the buildings.

Heading outside to walk in the rain for the next few hours; curious as to where my feet will take me today. I still wish I had a friggin knife.

Image-heavy and very delayed. Might cause brain issues.

I’ve been arguing with just about everything lately, but there’s a small calm that’s wormed its way into my cerebral cortex. I have my iTunes set on the Classical playlist, and just for this short time, nothing can bother me. It’s not easy being pissed all the time, one needs a rest every now and then to rejuvenate for the upcoming onslaught of everyday bullcrap.

I finally have a presentable pair of nice new shoes. I’ve searched everywhere in Chicago for a pair of plain black flats that don’t cost $50+, and apparently missed the one Payless ShoeSource that’s down Argyle, 10 walking minutes from my apartment. Hilariously, as if to mark this occasion, I tripped on the curb as I was getting to the door and lightly scuffed the right side of the left shoe (I thought wearing them right away to break them in would be wise, to avoid my ankle from bleeding on anyone while riding the El). It’s very small, barely visible, but I guess it’s like a mark for ‘this is the shoe of a clumsy fool.’ So I laughed lightly to myself, sitting on the floor of the elevator waiting for the damn 7 to light up. Yes..I’m being cautious and sitting on the floor of that particular lift. It’s fallen 3 times in the past 2 months, and I’m not taking any chances. I don’t want to have on my death certificate written ‘Death by Elevator’.

Crawling out of the evil box as the doors nearly crushed me, I babbled on the fone a few hours and realized freaking Tigger was eating the wedding veil I hung over my big ass mirror. I wasn’t planning on ever wearing it again, but now it looks like ridiculous. Frustrated that I am no longer a princess with princessy girl accessories hanging around my room, I threw it in a box with all the other dumb crap that fails to amuse me anymore.

I promised the other titty bar ad, and here it is

As I’ve said before, I hope you’re all touching yourselves to this. They really take ‘Totally Nude’ seriously.

(Wtf, why did I give the dancing corpse lady Mickey Mouse ears?)

PS I know little to nothing about human anatomy, so bitchplz

Here is further proof. A sketch that tried to be a concept but never made it over that rainbow bridge

This was something that I actually had an idea for, but the concept was lost in the middle of its basic completion. It’s very not exciting..Maybe one day I’ll get it back but until then, it’s just a useless sketch, an unborn ghost, stillborn, whatever you want to call it. Or just total crap.

I’m tired, listening to Vivaldi, and drinking more tea than I should, because I’ll never get to sleep now. I also did a rather unsatisying painting yesterday, trying to illustrate the Baby Skeleton Tree dream. Instead…well, you can blame the scanner for half of this unfortunate outcome

It’s obvious I spent more time on the ‘tree’ than anything else, which is a little funny because I painted ‘myself’ first. That awkward circle or two you see is when I tried to draw some skulls and ended up tearing a hole in the paper. However unexcellent the image itself looks, I like it for the nostalgia it brings me. Also it made me realize what my favorite fucking color is, even though I always say ‘ALL COLORS cept for poo color’. Red. I like. Red.

This has been a rather image-heavy and very delayed update from yours truly.

Obutwait…one more =0

I know I said I don’t do anime anymore. However, I couldn’t resist. Please excuse the Pac-Man eyes, it’s been awhile :<

Oh yes, and Patrick Swayze died of pancreatic cancer today.  Very sad, but seriously people, the last movie you remember him from is 20 years old. Also, stop mourning dead celebrities, it’s fucking stupid.

Peace, bitches <3

Oh Hold

There have been a lot of misadventures lately, mostly including my inability to control things, and other such stories. Since this is not omgDEDJURNAL I’ll spare you the details and will write a proper entry when I have my life a little more under control.

Peace bitches ~ <3

Burn the witch!

This week was kind of ridiculous. A lot of unnecessary things happened, and I lost control for a little bit. But for a brief moment, the alcohol made it go away. Er, I mean seeing old friends :[ I’m always grateful for any and all distraction from the things I have no choice but to deal with.

Finally, FINALLY, it’s cold outside. I never thought I’d say that so happily..My body’s pretty numb at the moment, actually, because I have two windows open with the wind blowing the fuck in, and I’m only wearing a sweater. For some reason I don’t care. For me, Autumn is the season for the chaos in my brain to shit itself out my fingers.

I have a fascination with fire, and burning things now. Those hot flames dancing and curling smoke..it’s beautiful and relaxing. I was so into it I almost set fire to my face.

Burning old editions of the Red Eye at the lake, I came across that stupid ad for a titty bar that they had just about everywhere in Chicago for the longest time. Once when walking with Babu, we saw a truck with the ad blown up on it, driving around Belmont. The sole purpose of that truck was actually just for the ad. I decided to give the ugly twat on display a much-needed makeover.

Dead fucking sexy. You’d have to be crazy to not get a hard-on.

***

I was disappointed that a romp through a cemetery and discussing the uselessness and inconvenience of human burial rituals didn’t bring the baby skeleton tree back to a fresh point in my mind. I’ve been wanting to visualize it for so long..but it has to be tangible enough for me to feel it in my fingertips. I kind of blame all the jerkoffs in the 2 mile line to see Nine Inch Nails’ Farewell concert at the Aragon.

Not a total loss however. The organ dream came back, but it wasn’t painful anymore. Not skinless or tumorous, just breathing inside myself through millions of tiny ribbons of blood.

‘Arteroid’ to go with the ‘Organoid’

I gave another titty ad twat a sexification, but I’ll have to wait til daylight to take a good photo. The scanner kills it, and right now it’s too dark.

Fantastic Voyage

I spent the past few days falling over asleep for no reason. As in I was standing in one spot for more than a few seconds, and before I know it I’m waking up in some painful position on the floor. My back aches like fucking bejesus. Well, honestly it could’ve been because of the extreme amounts of stress and that I haven’ t been eating.

No more sleeping sketches yet, I keep forgetting. Well actually, since I’ve just been ‘falling’ asleep..I didn’t really have time to put the pen in my hand.

However. I had a dream, that I had no skin, so my raw outsides were cold and painful. I was a bleeding chunk of human-shaped meat and shakingly began clawing at myself. As I was doing so, I somehow ‘fell through’ myself until I was inside my own body, or rather, was conscious as the inside of my body, breathing as tangled masses of veins, vessels, pulsating organoid. Near the end I discovered I was becoming a tumor.

I’m not usually able to illustrate dreams or ‘emotions’ but it was so vivid and fresh in my mind. The pain from my sleeping position on the floor explained why I felt the pain of the dream in reality. I always get rug burn from the carpet, and the rest of me felt twisted and disjointed, like my hands and legs were numbed and moved like lumps without sensation, separate from my body.

The scanner fucked the colors more than the camera did, so this is the best I can get of it, and don’t have the patience for Photoshop today.

I’ve been watching the show ‘Dexter’ again. It’s a very good inspiration for my dismemberment-themed ideas. Also it’s just freaking sexy. Who says that about serial killers and severed body parts?? …anyone who watches the show. That was precisely their intention.

It’s getting cold. Soon it’ll finally be autumn. No more fat people in short pants or hanging buttcracks. October is my favorite month. I wish it lasted forever. At the moment it’s inexplicable why, but only because it’s still August.

Lake-sleeping-sketches

This entry isn’t as ‘philosophical’ as the others, so excuse the babblings of my day and things that annoy me. It gets better near the end, I promise.

SYNOPSIS

Today was. uh, magical or something. It was my last day at Dr Davis’s office, and I spent nearly two hours catching up with my long-lost Angelina. I  almost cried with joy. Wait, I did. And screamed. There were tears. She kept me up-to-date with important information such as the latest dumb shit Michelle has been saying.

Michelle Quote-of-the-Month: ‘Angelina, you and I have the four best racks in the entire world.’

Media News: Some whore got murdered by some douche who was on that show about the whore who wants to fuck everybody in the wallet.

Afterwards: I spent two and a half hours at the lake today. I was already walking home, but my feet tend to do that thing where they’re like ‘no, bitch’, and forced me in the other direction. I had to take the shoes off because the freaking heels poked through the ground, and I could’ve sworn I stepped on a chipmunk’s skull. Didn’t step on any glass this time however, I’ve gotten rather good at barefoot escapades.

The humidity wasn’t ridiculous for once, and I fell asleep floatingly in the grass (nothing was stolen) I was wearing my swishy red sundress so the wind felt amazing. The only problem with it is that it flies up a lot. Good thing I really don’t care. I’ve seen fat people’s asses all summer, I think they can deal with my moderate-sized one. And they obviously do, because I got whistled at 7 fucking times in this short while. Not all because of my ass though, c’mon.

I awoke ready to leave, but instead was distracted by some pretty weeds that poked everywhere out of the ground. I spent a whole half hour picking them like a little idiot child, to use for some artsting at home. Someone snapped a photo of me. I kind of thought of punching them, but decided against it, there were some children present. I wouldn’t have been able to decide whom to deliver the punchings to

It feels rather lame, looking at the lake like it’s such a glorious piece of nature, when it’s…it’s fucking Lake Michigan. But uh, like I’ll ever see the ocean, right? Gotta make the best of what you’re stuck with I used to do that with the Grove in Warrenville. Good thing I moved before they raped it up its ass by chopping down all the trees IN A FOREST PRESERVE

The last time I was there with Kristyna eating lame sushi from the H-Mart soaked in crazy squid sauce..I said, uh, this is dead to me.

SLEEPING SKETCHES

I started a strange kind of ‘dream analysis’ as well hopefully a new art thing. Tried this last night, and surprisingly it worked. Falling asleep, I make sure to have a pen in hand and paper under my face. In whatever stage of sleep I’m in (no expert on this stuff) my arm starts moving around and I begin dream-drawing. Now, it might also be that sort of consciousness where you wake up in the middle of the night to take a piss, and you don’t know wtf you’re doing and you don’t remember it in the morning, but instinctively all’s you know is that pissing yourself is bad. I figured if you fall asleep doing something, you might continue the action in your sleep.

So if you fall asleep jerking off, you’re in for one wild night (no)

Most of my results were some very ridiculous hyperactive squiggles, but one image was actually organized enough to be considered somewhat coherent.

I awoke with fear caught in my throat. It’s the kind of thing I see regularly in my nightmares.

Only simply titled as ‘Sleeping Sketch I’

What. is going on inside my freaking head. Ridiculous.

Storming Brains, Dreams and Chaos

I was eaten by a storm. As soon as I heard there was a tornado today, I put aside an hour and a half to enjoy it. I had to take a different route to the lake than usual because the homeless guy that lives under the bridge I have to pass under was making some drug/sex deal with 3 other people, as he was stripping his shirt off and stretching out on his cardboard mattress.

When there is so much natural chaos raging, the rest of the world washes away in watercolor streaks. And all of the people melt.

**

A few days ago, I finished a newer piece. Well..it’s actually part of a larger image, which seems very random, incohesive. So splitting it up wasn’t a bad idea And the rest of the image bits aren’t finished anyway.

I actually didn’t notice this until I mentioned it to my friend David, but I don’t draw ‘people’ anymore, only concepts personified in humanoid forms. Human faces, body movements, things whatever, yes, but not so much individual ‘characters’ anymore. I kind of gave up on my post-apocalyptic sci-fi story. The one with the neo-humans and mutated embryons. I get bored too quickly..that and it seemed very unoriginal, even though at the time I thought I was being extremely clever. The problem with originality is that it’s usually recycled.

titled ‘Synthesis.’

**

I can’t make anything out of my freakish dreams anymore. They’ve been making less and less sense lately.

I think our dreams are distortions of reality seen through a stained glass kaleidoscope. And that reality is the newsprint edition of its own perversion. We often believe what we see is unique to us alone, but somewhere, it is known, it has a name, an article written about it. It has been dissected, analyzed, and recorded. Sometimes the only way to hide from this molestation is to bury ourselves deep inside our own minds. Order is cold and two-dimensional, however necessary to keep us from destroying ourselves. Still I believe there can be no order without chaos.

**

When I start watching a movie…shit, I have to see it at least 600 times before it gets out of my system. But I’ve been watching Fantastic Planet since I was 6, and it still hasn’t gotten old. I can’t get over that hypnotic female voice the ‘info headset’ has. My favorite thing it says is about their icon ‘Zarak’

“Legend has it that he still animates this sphere of life from his tomb, that his body is invulnerable and inalterable, although constantly transpierced by natural and artificial projectiles. And that his spirit is continued to transverse the skies of Yam regularly. Some scholars attribute the origin of this principle of meditation to this continued intervention by the great Zarak, others believe that he is immortal, and re-emerges from the flames of time into whirling reality, infinitely multiplied, to combat that element of the Draag spirit which seeks to die.”

I think this is why I use big words to bring sense into complete NONsense all the time. The inside of my skull is loud and chaotic.

Heads & The Headless

Lately I’ve been having too many ideas for what kind of ‘series’ to do. For now I’ve settled on two partner themes called ‘Heads’ and ‘Headless.’ So far I have several rough sketches, and one complete sketch. Still deciding on the color-style.

Here is the project’s backstory: Decapitation has always been one of the most crazy interesting things to me.

Let’s use an unsuspecting chap known as Steve to illustrate. Steve is walking to the supermarket, pondering his newest love affair with Amber and how to keep this from Shelley, when a pickup truck with sheet metal thrown in the back collides with some jackass who thinks green means stop. A sheet flies from the truck and to the unsuspecting Steve.  Steve is now, minus head. He is no longer the ‘Steve’ we know him as, but two very separate entities known as ‘Steve’s head’ and ‘Steve’s body’. This is what makes decapitation special from any other form of dismemberment. It’s not quite the same thing as losing a limb such as a hand or a leg. You do not define Steve by his appendages or internal organs. Some might define Shelley or Amber by their breasts, however. Steve’s head is what you know him by. His specific facial features, the voice coming out of his mouth, eyes that scrutinize, nose that smells your BO. That is the essence of Steve, although Shelly and Amber might argue that his penis was his most defining feature. Once Steve and his head are no longer one, his body becomes a nameless, inanimate, cold, foreign shape. Steve’s head, on the other hand (Shakespearean reference?) becomes its own person. You question whether it was ever attached to a body to begin with.

Timeline of headless moments

1) Tim Burton’s ‘Mars Attacks’ is the first to blame, however stupid it is. I saw the movie when I was 8, and freaked me out enough to leave a lasting impression

2) Jonathin Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels when someone is executed in court and Gulliver describes the bouncing of the head and the blood spurting in waterfalls from the major arteries in the neck stump (8th grade reading independent reading assignment)

3) The decapitated scientist from that stupid movie Wild Wild West. Although it was a pile of crap, it was interesting how they mentioned that after decapitation, the brain is still active for several seconds before shutting down. Although you are already dead, are you still aware? I’d imagine one would be thinking ‘ohshitfuckbananas’

4) Michael Crichton’s Timeline (the book, not the horrifying travesty of a movie) where someone on the enemy side is decapitated, and his head rolls to someone’s foot,  words still being formed with silent lips. (a few years back when I had to read everything Crichton to cleanse myself of Stephen King’s utter crap. Notice the irony of not coming across a decapitation in any of HIS works)

5) The nameless extra in the first Resident Evil movie. Didn’t leave any sort of imprint, but just thought I’d list it anyway.

6) Natsumi’s live-television death in Chakushin Ari (original Japanese One-Missed-Call) when Mimiko makes her bones bend backward and her neck twist all the way around. Her head rips off and falls on the ground, gagging out the red candy. Her body actually lightly stumbles before falling after. I thought it was a very nice chilling touch.

I can’t think of anymore at the moment. So far, I only have one ‘complete’ sketch of a female head. Basic, creepy. Originally it was going to be Barbie’s head, but maybe that will be just her name and not a direct reference to the doll.

As for the bodies, they will be normal people, doing normal people things, such as riding a bus, walking to school, working in a cubicle, drinking tea, boring ass shit normal people do, only without heads. I’m still deciding whether to include blood or not (no stupid amount of it in any case) My intention is not for shock value but because it’s interesting to see how strange some of our activities seem once there are no heads to enjoy them. I don’t know, we’ll see where this goes.